As I've said in previous journals, I've been through a LOT of shit lately... And it's pretty much crushed my spirit and, to be honest my will to even do the things i used to love doing. Sometimes i feel like I want to just sleep forever, but I don't want to do that to friends and family... But to be honest it feels like torture right now with how I'm feeling.
I'm seeing a therapist and taking two types of antidepressants, but sometimes its still not enough. I've been isolating myself from friends a lot lately too, and having extreme anxiety of other family members suddenly dying. I also get feelings that I'm pathetic and people don't care about me. Its definitely the depression taking its toll. It's like a disease. I feel like I've been through a traumatic experience. Not a physical experience like a major car crash or being attacked or anything, but psychological trauma. It may not seem like much, but there's only so much stress one person can take at once before they just break down and give up on everything. I feel like i'm going back and forth. Sometimes i feel like it is greatly effecting my health too, because the times when i feel the most sad, i actually get physically sick for a few days.
My dad had passed away just before January, which is pretty recent, but what hurts the most is almost an entire year of him being in the hospital after a major heart attack in march of 2014. I had witnessed... But on top of that I had also been depressed about other family deaths the year before. I feel like things have just been constantly tearing me down over the past few years, until I've finally fallen to the very bottom of the ditch...
All in all, it will take a LOOONG time for me to get better, maybe even years. I might not even be the same again, but I'm still willing to get myself back up my feet. I'm damaged badly but still fighting.
Sorry for the depressing journal, but i'm being true to how I've been feeling, and i think i should let you guys know what's been going on.